Writing a Year-in-Review evokes the penultimate blank canvas syndrome… why? I have a year’s worth of material! There are photos, journal entries, a stuffed calendar, vision boards, plans — it’s simply overwhelming to look over a whole year at once.

In an effort to find an anchor, enter: 2023 (physical) Vision Board.

In January 2023, a new friend invited me to a casual magazine clipping mess at Jack’s on Central in which we tore through stacks and stacks of glossy pages pooled from our own collections. There were glue sticks and jeweled stickers, and the tween Amelia in my heart was ecstatic. What would the finished collage call in for the new year?

time for new rhythms

Autoimmune and chronic illness have dictated my capacity for years. Some days, there’s so much pain, discomfort, and dysfunction that I simply can’t meet the broad-sweeping expectations of the culturally ingrained Protestant work ethic. I simply can’t — and won’t — work hard. Other days, I certainly will. But the regularity in which that’s required to be employed, to punch a time clock, to show up to a job, is no longer something I can physically commit to.

After financially floundering last year, being both sick and broke, I stepped into this year with a full client roster, a completely autonomous schedule, and an unmoored circadian rhythm.

This year, I changed up my schedule with new rhythms like:

nine-hour sleeps (sometimes necessary, sometimes only needed 7.5 hr)
no meetings scheduled before 10 am, so I could wake up and get ready slowly
no work on Fridays (which I’ve experimented with in the past but have now permanently adopted)
staggered working days, in which I worked later in the day to account for a non-working morning
syncing my nutrition, supplementation, physical activity, and productivity with my menstrual cycle
new, more in-depth self-care rituals (i.e. spending more time on myself)

I set alarms and reminders, used Habit Tracking apps, watched videos and tutorials, and ultimately look forward to bringing a lot of good, quality habits into 2024.

everything in its purposeful place

I try not to let ADHD come front and center in my personality, but it is definitely front and center in how I respond to life. I’ve learned that procrastination and high distractability, the inability to finish a task before jumping to the next one, and the lack of any motivation at all for unenjoyable tasks are frustrating detractions I’ll likely face for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, they’re part of what makes me me, but they’re also in opposition to the American work ethic and effort necessary to function productively.

This year, I focused on organization:

Of my thoughts, using tools like Asana, Google Calendar, and extensive note-taking in a Notes app
At home, using containers to catch piles before they happen, and creating a “place” for everything worth keeping
In my finances, keeping a bi-weekly household ledger and working with financial advisors

I also considered my own “place” as I contended with imposter syndrome in my new career jump (as a filmmaker) and in my entrepreneurial choices across my first full year of self-employment.

Where was purpose calling me to be? What tables did I find myself scanning for a seat? Why were there some places I no longer felt were a right fit for me?

Listening to intuition often feels a lot like taking daydreams seriously, and telling the difference between anxiety and inner wisdom is a string I’m still tuning. What anchored me most was choice: I choose to be here, whatever that may bring.

The biggest investment in home organization came for my 30th birthday in our Room of Requirement, one of the back bedrooms that serves as a yoga studio, laundry room, virtual audition stage, and meditation corner. I drew up a schematic, got the goods from IKEA in Atlanta, and after Bryan built the shelves, my best friends came over in waves to body-double with me while I installed the library.

Bonus, we made a super fun Harry Potter-themed detour in ATL.

in seeking the balance between hustle and rest and learning to find contentment in both.

At the beginning of 2023, stress was literally killing me. My inflammation numbers came with a little asterisk that said, At risk of a heart attack! and I was in a minor car accident after losing consciousness while driving home from a seemingly low-key workout. No amount of cutting toxic people and situations out of my life would cure this issue, so I turned inward to make some changes.

This is where new rhythms came in to the rescue.

I started learning about lymph health from Lymph Love Club, somatic exercises from The Workout Witch, and subconscious reprogramming from Steph Flockhart. I bought tools and sought professional help, as well as less-conventional approaches to stress reduction.

I started seeing a chiropractor with functional medicine and positive psychology training, who helped me completely normalize my CRP (one of many medical stress metrics, but at the time my primary issue), balance my adrenal function, and improved my self-perspective by helping me to be gentle (for the first time in my life).
I saw massage therapists with specialty lymph training and technology who have begun the arduous process of healing some of my oldest (physical and emotional) wounds.
I got Xeomin (like Botox) injections in my masseters along with a new dentist-issue mouth guard, which has nearly eliminated my sleeping & waking teeth grinding.
I finally learned what “restorative” meant for movement and lifestyle, and I am still gently guiding myself in that direction.

And yeah, if you’re thinking, “That sounds like an absolutely unreasonable amount of money,” you are correct. It is a huge privilege to get to this place where I can afford to try costly gadgets and see multiple professionals (all outside insurance, lol). This is where I choose to spend my extra money. I didn’t save for retirement this year. I didn’t overpay down debt. I didn’t invest in the market.

Instead, I invested in myself, present and future.

and we who dare to ask also get so much in return

How do you write about asking for help? Or, asking for opportunity? Or even, asking for a chance?

This was a wild year for me professionally.

I started my production company ab studios to produce my best friend’s TV show, which she was creating in earnest on a grant. ab studios now has a part-time contract team, a four project slate for 2024, three feature film scripts under its banner, and is preparing for a formal launch showcase in March of next year.

I co-founded an angel investing company called Community Equity Partners with a former client when it became clear their group needed a new future. I learned a lot working in the startup/investment/venture space this year am excited to put into practice how we can better coordinate and serve investors, support entrepreneurs, and create lasting community change through business.

I coordinated resources, education, and mentorship in ten rural counties in East Tennessee counties through the Small Town Entrepreneurship Project Knoxville Entrepreneur Center (KEC). This project allowed me to reconnect with KEC and get back to my roots as an entrepreneur and community weaver, which blossomed when I first moved to East TN in 2017.

I pitched my first TV show concept to Big Slate Media, Outdoorsy, for which we shot a sizzle episode and will circulate for distribution in early 2024. My friend Jonathan had recently told me — in a conversation about how to keep growing his already thriving production company, “All the big production companies around here have a show, it’s their bread and butter.” I don’t know what made me do it, but I said, “I could make you a show.” He said, pitch me something and I just ran with it.

I submitted my short film script ’tis the damn season to screenwriting contests, earning an Honorable Mention in the Santa Barbara Diverse Writers Outreach and Best Short Screenplay at Austin Under the Stars. It was rather impulsive to book a solo weekend in Austin to represent my film at the small, sorta-out-of-town festival (it’s not like filmmaking makes me any money, yet). It also didn’t seem realistic that anyone but a local would win. The validation of the story that taught me how to be a screenwriter (and so many other lessons) isn’t everything, but it really helps.

I became the Vice President of Knox Media, which became a 501c3 this year, and coordinated a series of events for the Knoxville media production community. Not working in commercial production means I miss out on a lot of set experiences at the heart of this industry. Knox Media is how I stay in touch with my film friends, and events like the State of the (Production) Scene and Filmmaking in East TN panels have inspired a full events calendar for next year.

I made new friends, published articles, completed a screenplay, enjoyed new books and good movies, raised money, learned lessons, made mistakes, and ventured places I’d never imagined.

I look at all of that and realize it’s rooted in the audacity to ask. To say, “Can I?” and “Why not?”

I don’t know why, but this quote comes to mind. I even Googled it to be accurate, and then Googled, “William Blake problematic,” because it’d be too easy to quote an old racist if I’m not paying attention.

To see a world in a grain of sand, and heaven in a wildflower. William Blake

I’m thinking of the seemingly inconsequential moments from which each of these opportunities materialized.

You never know when or how it’s going to happen. You’re clicking buttons on a computer screen. You’re talking to people you’ve known for years. You’re planning the work and working the plan. You’re just doing your thing.

With my vision in mind (and artfully arranged on a poster above my desk), each of these chances felt right in line, so I jumped.

you have to grieve the life you thought you were going to have.

Gratitude was my word for the year, a practice I adopted back in 2016 in which all year I keep my mind focused on something I want to cultivate more of into my life. If this narrative is any evidence, I’ve a lot to be grateful for in 2023. It was really the quote that held me steady.

If I had a second word for the year, one that only started to make sense in these final weeks, it would be grief.

There are so many lives I thought I’d have, and none of them included my favorite parts of this life. Because this life has Bryan, has Ashwood Place, has Knoxville, has all the people and places I’ve come to love because I somehow ended up here.

I think when younger me imagined what this life could look like, they could only see in two dimensions. Just a little movie of moments and accomplishments and feelings with absolutely no time frame or context. How could there be anything otherwise? How else can we imagine beyond the few dimensions of memories, dreams, and the present moment?

The life that I see — and imagine — now has thirty years of depth holding it up. I understand time a bit better now, and set expectations based on a lot more than an external metric.

Sure, I’ll always be a little bummed that I didn’t get to grow up a talented child star like Natalie Portman, spend my 20s living the acting life in New York City, or play Belle in the live-action remake of Beauty and the Beast. In the words of Eleanor Shellstrop, “All humans are always a little bit sad. It’s a pretty crappy deal. But we’re stuck with it. Pushing down or ignoring our sadness only makes it worse.”

I’m grateful for the life I get to live, and learning to grieve as I go.

hell yeah, I’m having fun. — Lizzo

I didn’t know when I cut and pasted that quote to my vision board how much fun I’d be having this year. It’s been by far the most fun year I’ve had in ages, rivaled only by 2019 (see that year-in-review if curious).

This year, I traveled to the Wizarding World (Orlando) and Charleston, spoke about my Vision Casting work on Living East TN, auditioned for a ton of acting roles I didn’t get (and got a couple in-between), wrote & photographed for Blank Newspaper & Inside of Knoxville, sowed a million and one hopeful seeds, and lived into the vision I set forth at the beginning of the year.

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I’m looking forward to:

The architectural plans stuffed in my “to do” paper pile becoming our real-life kitchen and second bathroom.
Continuing my health journey of reducing stress and living into vitality.
Reading sixteen new books (same as this year).
Formally launching my first “real” business with the first annual ab studios showcase.
Writing & directing my first film.
Co-creating the first Knox Media conference.
Competing in the Film Fest Knox Elev8or Pitch Competition.
Seeing my favorite musical, Wicked, at the historic Tennessee Theatre.
Seeing Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour at La Defense Arena in Paris.
Starting a Substack to keep better in touch.